On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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