I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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