Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
