My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
