I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
