I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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