I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
