Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
