I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
