She's JV to your varsity
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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