My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
