There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
