My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
