college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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