Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
