It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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