I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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