i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
