I cockslap morals
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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