One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
