How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
why do cheetos always look like penises
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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