bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Randomize
