Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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