I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
