Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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