woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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