It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
