I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
No...this little piggys going to the bar
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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