When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
