Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
