I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
