i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Farmville is her only friend.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
