im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
