Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
