I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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