Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
