would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
