Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
