just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
