I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I FOUND THE LEGS
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
