she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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