I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
