What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
