I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
