Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
