I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
you had me at cake vodka
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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