so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
