Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
