I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
