Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
